Jfo's Adrenaline Tour *crunchy guitar riff*

Whoever said "Never meet your heroes" needs some new heroes.
- Me




I've been procrastinating the shit out of writing this, but it needs to be done! I must release my tale unto the universe! I know I need to just get started, and whatever needs to come out, will. I'm having a hard time seeing things without the "I FUCKING MET SHANNON LETO" lens. But I shall try. I also slightly met Tomo and even less-slightly Jared, too. But perhaps I'm just not ready for them yet. heh.


THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A ROAD TRIP. ABOUT MEETING AMAZING FRIENDS, KRISTY AND JEFF (NOT GONNA CRY). A FUCKING JOURNEY THAT BY ALL ACCOUNTS COULD'VE KILLED ME. HENCE, ADRENALINE. BUT WHICH I LOVE TO ITTY BITTY PIECES INTO ETERNITY.


THIS IS ALSO A FANGIRL STORY. SO IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH THAT, THEN PERHAPS DON'T READ THIS.





Some fun names: Whiskeytown, Beaver, Hooker Creek, Weed*, Sams Neck Rd., Bob & Alice's Boring, Glory Hole (not kidding), Hoodoo trails


Note from journal:
"SHASTA IS AMAZEBALLS" pretty much covers it. I was just puttering north, north, north. "OH. THERE'S A FUCKING MOUNTAIN PEEKING BETWEEN THE TREES. THAT MUST BE RELEVANT."


I stopped at a Living Memorial with some sculptures that was just really emotional for me. I got some vid of a little windchime someone had created and tied to a tree. Saw a snake cross my path. Saw some lizards fornicatin'. They just stopped. ("Maybe... if we don't... move... she will walk... away.") Walked a labyrinth, and discovered the worst goblin king ever in the center (a pine cone).


Note from journal (the only one from this day)
9/12/14
Started today off with a wasp in my car.


I had stopped in Bend, OR for the night (Holiday Motel *thumbs up*) and started with a wasp in my car. Thought we got it out a few times, wound up whining to facebook about it and got some wasp killer (glad I didn't spray that shit). Adrenaline is an understatement when one is driving 70 mph and discovers a wasp in their car. THANK THE FUCK FULLY, I saw it in my rearview and it never came at me.


Several times I was on the side of the road with all the doors open, swatting at my back window. *sigh*


Finally, I stopped at an awesome bridge rest stop area *sign* "DO NOT BRING YOUR ANIMAL. MANY DOGS HAVE DIED HERE. PUT YOUR DOG AWAY," accompanied by a charming icon of a dog jumping over a barrier. It was a 300 foot drop. YEAH. Cool bridge though! And a neat bird that wouldn't shut up. The wasp was still there and I had all the doors open. I asked some random fatherly-looking dude if he wouldn't mind helping me kill it or get it out. It was wedged head-first against the window at this point. He's like "Oh no, it's about to die. It's boiling alive right there. Just keep an eye on it. Drive (!!!!!!!) for a half an hour with the windows down and I'll bet it'll be dead." Well. I drove 15 mins which is some kinda feat. Yeah, it's dead.




HIS NAME IS ROBERT PAULSON.






I also happened upon a little ~old west~ town called Shaniko (ask how I remember that name. Nevermind. Shannon... Shaniko.) There was a single-room schoolhouse they'd converted to a wedding chapel, wooden plank "sidewalks" which I loved hearing when I walked. An old hotel with posts for horses. A jail and the bank which was roughly the size of a walk-in closet. It was A FUCKIN DORABLE. I wanted to campout there.


*WEED. Wow. You might've heard there was a giant fire there. I stopped there on that Thursday? I think? A few days before it started burning. I stopped at a souvenir shop and got some vintage postcards and made a mental note to come back for some more and stickers, etc. I had some coffee and a bagel at Ellie's across the street. Besides spending the night in Bend, it was the longest I stayed in any one place during drive-time. More on WEED later.


I drove through a reservation and saw horses and horses and horses. I had never seen them out so far from a farm-looking place. I called them wild even though... there's a fence. So, not really. :/ I'm still happy I got to see them though.


----


Finally arrived in Moses Lake like... fucking... 12 hours later? Did I mention there was a wasp in my car? And that I was detoured 1-1/2 hours out of the way from the freeway because of construction, which in OR evidently means SHUT THE ROAD DOWN, EXCEPT ONE WAY, FROM WHICH THERE IS NO ESCAPE FOR 2 MILES. RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGE.


I got there and saw some dude outside smoking and I go "Oh, you're not Kristy..." and he goes "No, but I'm Jeff." "OMG HUGS!" lol then a millisecond later, Kristy came out and I hug-tackled her, too. Then I introduced them to my dead wasp, "His name is Robert Paulson" (Yeah, I know I said that. It just never gets old). Since they guided me through the chaos.


----


MARS day:


We went to Moses Lake and wandered, saw some green water. Went to Potholes park and wandered and left to some other park and ... wandered (not all who wander are lost). And saw a camper up ahead with a canopy and what appeared to be a naked older gentleman with his back to us. Commence freakout. Then discover he was wearing a banana hammock. PROPS DUDE. I would shake your hand but no thank you.


Then I put on the fanciest make-up possible in 10 minutes and we GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TO THE GORRRRRRRRGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!


Everything went smoothly... saw a wood-carving of a bear playing a flying-V guitar, a bar called "Whiskey Dicks" *snort* This place though... It was truly like a mini-Grand Canyon. The stage is ginormous and the backdrop is a ... um... gorge? with the Columbia River flowing through it (part of Lewis and Clark's trail).


We were in the pit. Which, by all accounts of pitness, were pretty... not "mellow" but... maybe "breathable". I got fucking WIRED on the energy. I'm glad I didn't drink because that would've been a disaster. It was a special kind of excited energy that was amazing (if you don't know me and my dealio, then just continue on. Nothing to see here.)


Once the set started, there was still room to breathe and dance and dear god JUMP. JUMP AND JUMP AND JUMP AND MORE JUMPING AND DON'T FORGET TO JUMP AND HEY CAN I JUMP NOW LET'S JUMP I CAN'T HANDLE IT JUMPPPPPPPPPP!!!! Being short semi-sucked. :/ but it's part of concert life. There were a lot of tall dudes. Like... there are a lot of dudes, right? But then there are tall dudes. Not just some but like EVERYWHERE. And some girls in front of me who were shorter than me. OH, HONEY. :(


After Jared asked everyone to get up on shoulders, I could've sworn I kept hitting some girl in the knee or something behind me with my rampant jumping. Nope. Some tall dude's face. "Sorry." ... "Oh. Sorry." lol


Kristy was close by but she's taller than me so she was usually next to or behind me. I got to capture a moment right before and during the confetti going off and that was pure madness and bliss.


Points for not knowing what to expect. That shit was phenomenal. BALLS!!!!!!!!!! CONFETTI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUMPING!!!!!!!!! SINGING!!!!!!!!! FREAKING OUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!


Oh, and how could I forget... when it got a little pushy in the pit, one girl screamed "It's not that kind of party!" LOLOL best.


Jared, at some point, said that if we buy a CD, they'll be around to sign it after the show. But we didn't wanna leave the pit. And afterwards, figured the opportunity was gone. So after we found Jeff... GUESS WHAT!??!?! BEST BOYFRIEND EVER. He had gotten her a CD and signing wristband! (YEEEEE!!!! So excited for her. Mars is her favorite band.)






_ DEEP BREATHHHHHHHHHH_




OK..




I won't give details from Kristy's experience, because that's personal to her and I'm respectful like that. And I won't even post ALL the details of my experience because, because.


There's the line, the building, then the fenced-in patio (where they were actually signing). There's a group of a handful of people by the fence. I split off from Kristy to wait for her afterwards, and it didn't occur to me to get in there to get a pic when she was going through (sorry, Kristy. :/ ) but we wound up coming back and sorta hovering by the fence. I still don't really know why. I think I wanted a clean pic of everyone. One crowd person was completely blocking Jared "It's her job." said someone. Oh yeah.


Then one darling young woman asked me if I wanted her spot. "REALLY?!?!?!" Somehow magically, the lady still blocked him. So we just hung out. Fuck it. I got nothing better to do. haha


My Slightly-Met Tomo Story is this: I waved and smiled. He waved and smiled. The end. *closes book*


BUT THEN. When they were done....


And everyone's getting up, we're still hanging out and talking and being us. I don't think it even occurred to me that they were getting up to leave? It's a blur.


Shannon walked over to us... arms out... palms up... smiling. "LIKE A FUCKING FLOATING BUDDHA." I mentioned before ~if you don't know me~... his energy was ... indescribable. I feel silly writing about it now. But I can't express the warmth, generosity, curiosity, happiness, calmness... radiating from him in just that short time. He's like "AH. MY CHILDREN. I LOVE YOU." (He did NOT say that. lol) We agreed later that it honestly seemed like he was about to hug the fence. He looked at all of us with a slowly sweeping glance and then asked if we had fun. Some other things happened and I'll keep those to myself (sorry, not sorry). And then it was over and he started walking away. I lost my hat in the melee and said "Where'd my hat go?" and the girl behind me "It's in my hand" LOLOL Thank you, Boo.


We started to walk away and I was still bouncy. Just recalling it is making my foot tap. *SNORT*


Kristy told me that if I met him and he talked to me, to remember to talk this time. And I described it like this: "It's not so much that I didn't know what to say, it's that my face forgot how to work." Truth be told, I don't even know if I was smiling!


And then some more things happened... I had on a cool shirt *I PREFER THE DRUMMER* because yes I do. And Kristy is amazing and gave it to me for my birthday. That experience with him just solidified that.


Heroes are fucking cool. I saw them interact with every single person. I saw hands shake and smiles and looking into of the eyes. I heard compliments galore (from them!). I saw a few people be pulled aside so their assistant? handler? could take a pic of them. They were truly involved and present. They gave every one a moment. They seemed happy to give it.


I'm still even more excited for Kristy's experience. I really don't know if there's a "first" experience that can ever top that. I mean... that was the most epic of epic. I'm so incredibly grateful that I got to share it with her.


----


Deciding if I want to end with that because the reason for the trip was Kristy and seeing MARS.


It is the Adrenaline Tour though..


ABOUT WEED.


I had just left a vista point featuring Mt. Shasta in the background and it was so windy that I just left. Within a few miles, I saw some smoke coming up. This is hard to relate because it happened pretty fast, but as I approached it, it was still waaaaaay off on the horizon, and very low. If you drive anything but HWY 5, it's winding and there was no way to tell that once I saw the source, whether or not I'd be near it.


My thinking is that if the fwy was in danger, I'd be turned away. So I kept driving.


There was a white truck, and some sort of tanker in front of me. It felt like we all had the same idea: DRIVE FAST. GET THE FUCK AROUND IT.


I kept my eyes on the road. Any pics I got were because I put my phone to the side of my face and took a pic holding down the volume button. Window and focus be damned.


It sounds melodramatic to say now, but when I neared it, and the smoke covered the road for a second... my car lit up red and I couldn't bring myself to look over. My body was hot, I was worried my tires might melt and that this is how people die. ADRENALINE.


GO GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. As I rounded into town, I could see people walking up to the hillside. It was down the street from the souvenir shop I stopped at. People outside of Ellie's came out to watch. I'm like "GET THE FUCK OUTTTTTTT." The people in cars knew. We saw it from several miles away. We KNEW. JUST. GO. I had to stop at a red light. I looked over and saw the hill on fire.


FUCKING SURREAL.


I'm getting amped thinking about it. When I got on the freeway again, people were speeding like crazy towards it in order to get around. The idea is probably not so much that you're driving into something like that as much as "get the fuck there or around it and if no one stops me I can make it"


I stopped at every possible rest stop after that to try to calm down.


Kind of a boring-if-you-weren't-there way to end it. But that's my tale.


OH. I KNOW.


SONG OF THE SUMMER.


"DO OR DIE"


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And the story goes on....





actual date of show 9/14/14

True Tales from the Deep South

7/6/15

Dear Diary,
Today I got an oil change at a place run by Squirrel and his second-in-command, Rocky (exemplary dudes & service, I need to say). Out front was a truck that had a giant confederate flag hoisted in the bed and a decal on the back window that read "Country Slut," and some guys milling around in overalls and spitting tobacco. Inside the shop was an abandoned bees' nest on display (that is, branches and all, hanging from a hook on a wall. Said nest was a little larger than basketball-sized), a framed article in the newspaper about Squirrel (all four corners protected with bubble wrap... yellowed with age - the bubble wrap, not the article.), a taxidermied squirrel, and other random swinging squirrel figurines. The pic of Squirrel in the article was all I needed. It was from "his racing days," he had some old-school goggles on, and he was just-a smilin'! Cheers!

I do miss reporting weird encounters. And the weird that finds me is always unbiased. It's good to be back. *tilts back in chair*

Stream of questions

I was poking around my notes and found this. I wrote it awhile ago. Even though I figured out what it was about, I love how universal yet personal the questions are. This could be about anything. 

---

Just a stream of consciousness question fest. I am due for one. That old adage "raises more questions than answers" is an expansive thing to explore. I'm just not even gonna fuck with answers. All questions. No answers. Stewing in unknowingness. Swimming in confusion. Not clarifying anything, but paradoxically finding some peace. 

Have I considered the other point of view? How does that other point of view make me feel? If it's negative, why? Is it progression or regression? Am I seeing the expanse of "other" or just my consideration of some facet of it that sits most comfortably with me?

Am I allowing other people's opinions and biases and judgements interfere with what I am settling best with as truth?

Am I allowing that uncertainty to distract me from searching for further and deeper truths?

Will I know it when I find it?

Am I okay with feeling uncomfortable with an opinion different than mine? What if that opinion is less-informed than mine? What if the person expressing the opinion is coming from a place of defense of long-held beliefs? What if that person is sick and doesn't know better? What if I do know better? What if I don't? Does that make my opinion invalid?

What about passion? Why the fuck am I so amped about all of this, anyway? Does it feel like it's some sort of precipice we're edged onto and I feel connected to it somehow? Am I bored? Do I need to busy myself? Do I need to feel useful and informative?

Is it the future I'm scared of? Have I gone full armageddon with this scenario, fearing a complete and total wipe-out of this country? I do tend to think in extremes, don't I?

So if there's a middle ground for me, where is it? And is a middle ground even necessary? Do I need this fire? Is it serving some purpose? Is it helping me, or anyone? Can I balance it, and have I been?

Can I not be swept up in the distraction? Can I focus on the importance of what's happening and not be taken off on a whim by other, already disproven, stories? Do I need to crusade to correct every misrepresentation of truth I encounter? Is that my job or responsibility?

Is it possible to look at this from a human perspective or an energetic perspective? Does this need to happen? Is it a tipping point that I'm witnessing and that's why I'm worked up? 

Do I need to wrap this stream up in a neat little bow? 

Including results for transcendence.

12/28/13
1:43 am

I feel lost. I feel gross. I feel resentful, angry, worried, anxious.

I feel trapped, bogged-down, scattered. I feel like the clutter is creeping in and keeping me. I feel far away from myself. I feel like I've given up. I feel like I'm not good enough, not doing enough, not changing enough.

I feel like I'm not living up to my own expectations. I feel bored with my job. I feel alone. I feel chaotic, frantic, pissed-off. I feel like I have surrendered my life to some lesser version of me. I feel owned by my things. I feel isolated. I feel like darkness, like lying down and nothing. I feel like the world around me is buzzing full of life and light and energy and all I can do is be mud and hope. I feel uncomfortable, like this is not where I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to be. I feel behind in life. I feel pointless.

I am more than this. I am more than feelings. I am more than stuff. I can project. I can feel better, feel love, feel incredible. I can feel whole without illusion of acceptance. I can let it in. I can feel light. I can feel expansion. I can let the sun shine in. I can let others care and tend to me. I can open doors. I can give. I can love. I can give love. I can feel love.

I feel appreciation. I feel dawning. I feel gratitude. I feel absurd. I feel like a child. I feel like laughing. I feel like I just came out on the other side. I feel connection, thoughts, worth.

I feel settled, alarmed, patient. I feel wooed, strong, vibrant. I feel connected.

Thankful Grateful Courageous

Six Things Thinky Thoughts

Richard gave me the number six, so six facts that you don't (or might not) know about me. Like this status, and I'll give you a number between 1-10.

 

^^ That one running around Facebook.

 

Normally, I'd fill this with random factoids like: my toenails are always painted rainbow, I carry a finger puppet tentacle and kazoo in my purse, that I can write upside down (that really helps with the dyslexia. Which came first?), etc etc etc. But those are incredibly surface kinda boring things that probably anyone who's known me for more than 5 minutes could guess. I spotted another friend who went on some next-level shit with it and I figured why not? LET'S GET FOR REALSIES UP IN HURR.

 

As I go to write #1, I realized the pressure is ON. haha My next-level shit might not be very next-level at all.

 

/What about/ me? Who am I? What are my beliefs? What life experience has led me to believe I am who I am? How do I contribute? How can I change?

 

1) I have a shitty memory for some things. I know that in part it has do with some chemicals I may have imbibed during my formative years. I also think that at some point I began to black out things that were traumatic. It felt safe. If details are fuzzy, maybe my emotions won't be so sharp and immobilizing. I think at some point I may have just lost control of the switch. It comes in handy for *living in the now*. But when someone thanks me for some helpful thing I did to/for them, and I don't remember doing it... it can be embarrassing and painful because then they might think it wasn't important to me to've done it. That being said... it's interesting to look at how I live my life, then. If I am on some level aware that I might forget some deed I did, am I more or less likely to do the best thing in that situation that I'm capable of doing? "Legacy" feels like a word too big for this, but if it's legacy we're talking about, then let it be good.

 

2) I'm constantly striving to make myself better. Some days I'm ~feeling it~ and some days completely oblivious, but if I am the only person I can directly change... why not take the opportunity to grow? I'm a fixer. I can tell you up, down, and sideways what to do with your life to make it better. But looking at myself in such a way is difficult. I'm getting better at it though. I know now that when friends come to me to talk about some problem they're having, it's not because they want me to tell them what to do. It's because they want compassion, empathy, an open mind and heart, a non-judgmental ear. Because I was so caught up in the thought process of "If they're coming to me, they must want me to tell them what to do." for a good portion of my life, it's challenging, not so much to not react that way, but to convey to THEM that I no longer will. It's a process and I want to be a better friend and a better human to people. This is only a small portion of what needs changing.

3) One of my best friends, when asked what it was about me that drew him to me, he said something along the lines of "I like talking to Jen because her mind bends around places no on else can get to." I like that and I try to uphold that sentiment. By that, I mean... outward expression. It doesn't count if I think it and don't follow it or express it in some way. People can't read my mind. They can't see a painting I haven't done. Nor read words I haven't typed. It's my responsibility as part of Who I Am in This Version of The Universe to give it away and to let my personality and contribution be evident.

4) The happiest I ever remember being was when I lived next to the ocean. I probably don't need to elaborate. It's like house music. If you know it and you love it then you know. You know? I'd sleep with the sliding glass door open and listen to the waves. I consider that my home. I was raised in a military family, so I get the itch to GO. Move. Get out. In some ways it's translated to running away. But I'm discovering that it's only running away if it's FROM responsibilities. So I'm working on getting things in order before I get back there.

-- I'm coming back to this after a few hectic days and wanted to write at least 2 more things that were important to me for some reason or another. Happily, I just so happen to have 2 more things to write on this list anyway! --

5) I think entitlement is one of the worst human characteristics we can have. It makes anyone an instant asshole. I also think the majority of gross human behavior stems from this in some form or another. It's a big shitty umbrella. I have to watch myself so that I don't become a hypocrite (though we all are hypocritical to some degree at some point or another in life. Nobody's perfect.) This is one of the things I'm constantly aware of and if I'm getting mad at other people without really thinking about it or without them having done some heinous action towards me, it's probably due to this nastiness. How hard is it to just be a decent human being?

6) I'm falling more and more in love with photography. I was finally able to pinpoint it when I was walking outside earlier today and playing with my new phone (HOLLER!). See... I have this thing with attention. It might be A.D.D. (but if it is, it's undiagnosed). It's why even though I have a creative eye for design, I couldn't deal with being a graphic designer because people are barking at me all day and (ahemfeelingentitledthattheirshitneedstogetdonefirstahem) though I work even MORE creatively under pressure, it was just too much to juggle. Now, as a massage therapist... I thrive with the one-on-one attention I am able to give myself over to. Back to photography and attention.... a friend of mine was kind enough to explain it in such a way that I didn't feel ashamed or like something was wrong with me or needed fixing. He pointed out that I simply have a higher scope of awareness. With photography... it becomes all about that particular person, that leaf, that landscape, that color, that pattern, shape, juxtaposition, etc. I have to stop and focus in. But first, I need to see what it is I need to see.

And thus, my life. First, I need to see what it is I need to see.

Thank you and goodnight.

The tale of two tales

Back on Memorial Day, I went to the Veterans Cemetery. I'm driving back and randomly decide to put down both windows. I look into the rear-view and there's a bee near the hatchback window. I'm not only terrified of bees, I'm allergic. But there was nowhere to pull over. It was a very thin, 2 lane backroad. So I kept watching it, adrenaline going OFF. Because what in the hell would happen if this bee flew into the front of the car or anywhere near me? A few agonizing minutes later, I finally pulled off the road into some brush, got out and opened the hatchback. I actually TOLD the bee, "Go on, now." and sure enough it just flew right out and away from me.

I was all about that bee story. That's ~nature saving my life. That's ~divine intervention.

Yesterday, my umpeenth hour of thinking, worrying, obsessing over this work/vacation thing... I'm driving home and a song comes on and I'm rocking out, not really paying attention because OMG PROBLEMS. I don't remember which one it was but a particular lyric struck me. It might've been about beauty around us or something. It caused me to look up and notice this stunning huge bright white bird flying overhead. And as I took that moment to appreciate it... it sprayed shit all over my car. I mean. It was like a sprinkler. So gross.

Now that's funny to me. Nature/The Way Things Are just do whatever the fuck it wants without my say-so. Shit's gonna happen anyway, so I might as well laugh it off and enjoy myself. If I take the bee situation as divine intervention, then perhaps this bird shitting on my car precisely when I feel inspired to appreciate it, is too.

That was the conclusion I reached at that point and it lasted for a few hours. And now I'm back to being miserable. And in its own fucked-up way, that's okay too. It is what it is.

Maybe life is just glimpses of awareness. But everything changes.

This too, shall pass.

Appreciate the shit.

That time I encountered a deer

Spotting deer in real life is a secretive endeavor. I'm pretty sure that for most people, it has a lot to do with Stand by Me  (if you don't know, may god have mercy on your soul you should find out). If one spots a deer, one doesn't speak of it. Like that club... with the... nevermind. We spent a good minute considering each other once it crossed and settled under a tree. I dared not approach it, but I didn't want to leave, either. So I just stood there. There are too many emotions to get into on a public blog thingie. I'll just say it was magical. And hope that's enough.

Here's some pics from my walkabout through Peña Adobe.

Unusually long arrow is funny to me.

 

 

 Aw shithell this is steep!

 

 

 Panoramic from the almost-top of the hill.

 Love me some Californian blue and gold.

 

 

 New shoes!

 

 

 cReeepy

 

 

 Artistic close-up of rotting wood picnic table.

 

 

 The Matrix is all around us.

 

 

 

My treasure is