Richard gave me the number six, so six facts that you don't (or might not) know about me. Like this status, and I'll give you a number between 1-10.
^^ That one running around Facebook.
Normally, I'd fill this with random factoids like: my toenails are always painted rainbow, I carry a finger puppet tentacle and kazoo in my purse, that I can write upside down (that really helps with the dyslexia. Which came first?), etc etc etc. But those are incredibly surface kinda boring things that probably anyone who's known me for more than 5 minutes could guess. I spotted another friend who went on some next-level shit with it and I figured why not? LET'S GET FOR REALSIES UP IN HURR.
As I go to write #1, I realized the pressure is ON. haha My next-level shit might not be very next-level at all.
/What about/ me? Who am I? What are my beliefs? What life experience has led me to believe I am who I am? How do I contribute? How can I change?
1) I have a shitty memory for some things. I know that in part it has do with some chemicals I may have imbibed during my formative years. I also think that at some point I began to black out things that were traumatic. It felt safe. If details are fuzzy, maybe my emotions won't be so sharp and immobilizing. I think at some point I may have just lost control of the switch. It comes in handy for *living in the now*. But when someone thanks me for some helpful thing I did to/for them, and I don't remember doing it... it can be embarrassing and painful because then they might think it wasn't important to me to've done it. That being said... it's interesting to look at how I live my life, then. If I am on some level aware that I might forget some deed I did, am I more or less likely to do the best thing in that situation that I'm capable of doing? "Legacy" feels like a word too big for this, but if it's legacy we're talking about, then let it be good.
2) I'm constantly striving to make myself better. Some days I'm ~feeling it~ and some days completely oblivious, but if I am the only person I can directly change... why not take the opportunity to grow? I'm a fixer. I can tell you up, down, and sideways what to do with your life to make it better. But looking at myself in such a way is difficult. I'm getting better at it though. I know now that when friends come to me to talk about some problem they're having, it's not because they want me to tell them what to do. It's because they want compassion, empathy, an open mind and heart, a non-judgmental ear. Because I was so caught up in the thought process of "If they're coming to me, they must want me to tell them what to do." for a good portion of my life, it's challenging, not so much to not react that way, but to convey to THEM that I no longer will. It's a process and I want to be a better friend and a better human to people. This is only a small portion of what needs changing.
3) One of my best friends, when asked what it was about me that drew him to me, he said something along the lines of "I like talking to Jen because her mind bends around places no on else can get to." I like that and I try to uphold that sentiment. By that, I mean... outward expression. It doesn't count if I think it and don't follow it or express it in some way. People can't read my mind. They can't see a painting I haven't done. Nor read words I haven't typed. It's my responsibility as part of Who I Am in This Version of The Universe to give it away and to let my personality and contribution be evident.
4) The happiest I ever remember being was when I lived next to the ocean. I probably don't need to elaborate. It's like house music. If you know it and you love it then you know. You know? I'd sleep with the sliding glass door open and listen to the waves. I consider that my home. I was raised in a military family, so I get the itch to GO. Move. Get out. In some ways it's translated to running away. But I'm discovering that it's only running away if it's FROM responsibilities. So I'm working on getting things in order before I get back there.
-- I'm coming back to this after a few hectic days and wanted to write at least 2 more things that were important to me for some reason or another. Happily, I just so happen to have 2 more things to write on this list anyway! --
5) I think entitlement is one of the worst human characteristics we can have. It makes anyone an instant asshole. I also think the majority of gross human behavior stems from this in some form or another. It's a big shitty umbrella. I have to watch myself so that I don't become a hypocrite (though we all are hypocritical to some degree at some point or another in life. Nobody's perfect.) This is one of the things I'm constantly aware of and if I'm getting mad at other people without really thinking about it or without them having done some heinous action towards me, it's probably due to this nastiness. How hard is it to just be a decent human being?
6) I'm falling more and more in love with photography. I was finally able to pinpoint it when I was walking outside earlier today and playing with my new phone (HOLLER!). See... I have this thing with attention. It might be A.D.D. (but if it is, it's undiagnosed). It's why even though I have a creative eye for design, I couldn't deal with being a graphic designer because people are barking at me all day and (ahemfeelingentitledthattheirshitneedstogetdonefirstahem) though I work even MORE creatively under pressure, it was just too much to juggle. Now, as a massage therapist... I thrive with the one-on-one attention I am able to give myself over to. Back to photography and attention.... a friend of mine was kind enough to explain it in such a way that I didn't feel ashamed or like something was wrong with me or needed fixing. He pointed out that I simply have a higher scope of awareness. With photography... it becomes all about that particular person, that leaf, that landscape, that color, that pattern, shape, juxtaposition, etc. I have to stop and focus in. But first, I need to see what it is I need to see.
And thus, my life. First, I need to see what it is I need to see.
Thank you and goodnight.
3) One of my best friends, when asked what it was about me that drew him to me, he said something along the lines of "I like talking to Jen because her mind bends around places no on else can get to." I like that and I try to uphold that sentiment. By that, I mean... outward expression. It doesn't count if I think it and don't follow it or express it in some way. People can't read my mind. They can't see a painting I haven't done. Nor read words I haven't typed. It's my responsibility as part of Who I Am in This Version of The Universe to give it away and to let my personality and contribution be evident.
4) The happiest I ever remember being was when I lived next to the ocean. I probably don't need to elaborate. It's like house music. If you know it and you love it then you know. You know? I'd sleep with the sliding glass door open and listen to the waves. I consider that my home. I was raised in a military family, so I get the itch to GO. Move. Get out. In some ways it's translated to running away. But I'm discovering that it's only running away if it's FROM responsibilities. So I'm working on getting things in order before I get back there.
-- I'm coming back to this after a few hectic days and wanted to write at least 2 more things that were important to me for some reason or another. Happily, I just so happen to have 2 more things to write on this list anyway! --
5) I think entitlement is one of the worst human characteristics we can have. It makes anyone an instant asshole. I also think the majority of gross human behavior stems from this in some form or another. It's a big shitty umbrella. I have to watch myself so that I don't become a hypocrite (though we all are hypocritical to some degree at some point or another in life. Nobody's perfect.) This is one of the things I'm constantly aware of and if I'm getting mad at other people without really thinking about it or without them having done some heinous action towards me, it's probably due to this nastiness. How hard is it to just be a decent human being?
6) I'm falling more and more in love with photography. I was finally able to pinpoint it when I was walking outside earlier today and playing with my new phone (HOLLER!). See... I have this thing with attention. It might be A.D.D. (but if it is, it's undiagnosed). It's why even though I have a creative eye for design, I couldn't deal with being a graphic designer because people are barking at me all day and (ahemfeelingentitledthattheirshitneedstogetdonefirstahem) though I work even MORE creatively under pressure, it was just too much to juggle. Now, as a massage therapist... I thrive with the one-on-one attention I am able to give myself over to. Back to photography and attention.... a friend of mine was kind enough to explain it in such a way that I didn't feel ashamed or like something was wrong with me or needed fixing. He pointed out that I simply have a higher scope of awareness. With photography... it becomes all about that particular person, that leaf, that landscape, that color, that pattern, shape, juxtaposition, etc. I have to stop and focus in. But first, I need to see what it is I need to see.
And thus, my life. First, I need to see what it is I need to see.
Thank you and goodnight.
